On the Importance of New Year Cards

John and I have a tradition of sending out New Year cards, a tradition we broke last year when I just could not muster enough will (energy? happy? goodwill? I may sound petty here but I assure you it was not by choice) to go through the process-- plus, I was unemployed, and it was not a financial priority for us.
As we face the end of 2017, I am thinking through the New Years card question yet again. Circumstances have changed, and yet I still wish to send a New Years card. I am in a better headspace, sociopolitically. How that could be, when one is facing cancer and lives during this Administration, I don't really know. I suspect it has to do with a modicum of surrender. I prefer to have more control over my life, absolutely, and I seek it out; cancer has had me on my heels. I knew before, intellectually, but am now learning more wholly that I can only *actually* control so much. Essentially, I can control (for the most part) what I eat, how and when I exercise, whether or not I meditate or take a walk or a relaxing bath. And of course, likely most importantly, I can control how I react.
Circumstances have changed, and yet I still wish to send a New Years card. This is my way of signaling a new start, and I am a big fan of ceremony as a vehicle for delineation of time and space. At every year's end, it has been historically important to me to do this, and this year is no different. Even though I will still be in the midst of my cancer treatment (just starting the last of four chemotherapy infusions! For those counting along with me), this is a way to honor the past year for what it was, to tell it goodbye and that its time has come to an end, and to allow my cells to soak up the opportunity for new beginning. (Especially the cancer cells-- GOODBYE.)
Circumstances have changed, and yet I still wish to send a New Years card to my friends and family. I adore giving gifts, and I am pretty bonkers over buying the perfect gift for the individual. I think I am particularly gifted (pun intended) at it, too. I am not a woman of large means, however, so a pretty card is a great way to satiate this desire. This year, more than any other year since infancy and childhood, I have needed the help of others. I have actually been downright reliant upon others. I want to be able to thank so many people, to honor their role in our lives, to express deep gratitude for how you have all shown up for us during this time. It is just a card-- but hopefully it will properly convey our love and joy, and readiness for a bright future.

In rereading this post, I can see that I have now really built this whole card thing up... so clearly I am in.

Lolz. Suck it, 2017.

January 2018: Reclaiming My Time

After three months of weekly chemo infusions (yes I still have the rest of November and December left shhhhhh) I cannot tell you how overjoyed I was to be handed my January 2018 treatment schedule.

Suck it, 2017.

Chemo is Boring but We Know How to Bring the Party

Hello, friends.
First things first: I did resume chemo last week, after my neutrophils bounced back above 1.0; they were 1.03, which means that while I was successful, I also had to begin the booster shot Neupogen (or Zarxio, for those who like knowing specific brands of cancer-related drugs). This is a "growth factor," which I guess describes the fact that it stimulates the growth of neutrophils, which are found in the bone marrow, which is why one of the most common side effects of using it is bone aches or pain (I have also learned from experience that the muscles get achy as well). While this does not sound fun, it's really just a dull ache akin to growing pains. But minus the growth, although I would not be upset if that happened... I have always hoped to push beyond 5'3." Alas.
I will now receive the booster shot for two days (it could be up to four days, depending on how low the neuts dip) post-chemo infusion, so last weekend I had to go in mid-morning both Saturday and Sunday. Once my insurance okays it, I will be able to self-administer these shots (exciting, right?!) at home, which will save an hour each day in travel, as long as I am willing to stab myself. I can do this, dear reader. I will breathe through it (also, thank you Riely for coaching me via text on this!).

Colds and Such
When I was in elementary school, my mom was taking college courses. One day she brought home an illustration from a biology class that showed the immense amount of germs released per sneeze, and how many germs were on things like doorknobs. I will say that this has really stuck with me, and I am somewhat of a germ-phobe. Imagine that, plus going through chemo and having a challenged immune system... What I am trying to tell you is that I am a lot of fun! I walk around with disinfectant wipes (lemon is a great smell, don't you agree) and anti-bacterial everything. I have even self-quarantined over coughs and sneezes. Thankfully, those enduring living with me respond kindly by getting set up with amoxicillin. Also thankfully, I am getting Zarxio and have a better shot (pun intended) at fending off these germs.

Holiday Prep
This week, in preparation for the thanksgiving holiday, I had my labs today (the booster worked!), and chemo tomorrow with Lisa returning as my chemo buddy. Next week, labs will be moved to Tuesday, and chemo to Wednesday, with-- wait for it-- my mom AND my dad as chemo buddies! This is the part where you fall out of your chair because my parents have been divorced since I was two years old. How freaking amazing is that?! They are traveling here to be with me for the holiday. It is incredible, super sweet, and I will be honest when I say I was a little surprised (they were considering just surprising me by having my dad arrive without prior knowledge... thank you for rethinking that!). It isn't that they do not get along-- thankfully, they do-- it's just really touching. I am really looking forward to showing my dad around-- he has never been to DC!
Also, so much gratitude and love to Kelley and David for opening their home to my family for the holiday. You are incredible people.

Chemo Buddy Feature: Josh
Last week's chemo buddy was my friend Josh. I frequently call him Joshy, or pumpkin, but I have known him for more than a decade, so I get to do that. Joshy and I met when we moved into a group house on Euclid St. NW in 2006; I remember when he first walked up to the house and shooed the birds away, emphatically stating, "I hate birds. Ugh." Even though I do not hate birds, I do love when people have strong feelings about everyday things. It was the start of a beautiful friendship, even though the whole group-house thing really imploded.
Josh signed up as chemo buddy and immediately purchased these amazing pink wigs for the occasion. I will be frank, chemo is boring (this whole chemo regimen is pure tedium), but this was super fun, especially when paired with dance party music. Love you, pumpkin!

Don't worry, the pink wig will most certainly make another appearance!

No Camp Chemo Today

I want to start by reassuring you, lest you feel disappointed for/with me, that this is all part of the treatment process. To have a delay in chemo is okay and often expected. For those who enjoy the specifics, my neutrophil level was .800 (must be 1.00 to proceed with chemo. Last week was 1.20).
I have been referencing my neutrophils for weeks, so you may already know that I would necessarily need to hold off on a week of chemo once they fell. This is the week that has happened, and while no doctor or medical professional has outright told me how amazing I am for having held off nearly six weeks without this happening, dear reader, I read between the lines (heh) and assume that is why-- I am amazing. It has been a great sign that I came into this experience with a healthy amount of white blood cell levels that withstood chemotherapy (and again, this is expected to happen no matter what) for quite awhile. I am a healthy sick person!
I have also mentioned that I was told that when this happens, it is time for the booster shot, so I was surprised yesterday when I got the call from Oncologist F.'s office to say that she would like to wait a week, do my labs, and see if I have rebounded. I suspect that they think a week off for me will indeed cause the neuts to bounce back. If not, I was told they may hold off again another week, rather than introducing the booster shot. Or, they might choose to proceed with chemo, but at a lower dosage. It depends on what Onc F. thinks is best at the time, and I have an office visit with her already on my schedule for next Thursday. For what it's worth, I stated that I would "not be keen" on delaying my treatment TWO weeks. The kind nurse on the line said something to the effect of: we aren't either, but we are also not keen on pumping you full of unnecessary drugs. FAIR.
So today I have the day off. How will I enjoy it?

I will drink all the coffee. (Actually just this one cup.)

I will enjoy this amazing cup of coffee. While I am not prohibited entirely from drinking delicious coffee (if you know me you know I love coffee, and I especially love a really good latte, particularly those you might find at Dogwood or Rustica in Minnesota), I am not supposed to drink it 48 hours before an infusion, the day of an infusion, and for 48 hours afterwards, which when you are receiving weekly infusions is pretty much the whole week. Also it dehydrates, and I have a pretty strong need to do the opposite at all times. 

Chemo Buddy Feature: Megan P.

This weekend my good friend Megan P. is here from Minnesota to be my Chemo Buddy, so I do feel some disappointment that she will miss the experience of sitting next to me during an infusion (aka my weekly Benadryl high-and-then-slump) and being bloated from the steroids and chemo. I am sure we will find plenty of other things to do, and that we will certainly get our fair share of cancer talk in; I am mostly excited to have her see where we are living, and to just catch up generally. The fact that we have massages scheduled for tomorrow is pretty fabulous as well. 

Megan and I have been friends since our undergraduate days at the University of Minnesota, Morris, which if you are not aware is aka the Harvard of the midwest, the "smart" school of the four U of MNs, etc. (you can punch me in the face later). It is a small public liberal art school in the middle of corn fields where you can oft find budding liberal activists. Megan is and always was a leader, and I got to know her from the Women's Resource Center (the women's activist group on campus). After college, we worked together for a while at an abortion clinic as peer educators, we worked on campaigns, and there were years where I was a de facto third roommate/couch crasher at Al's and her apartment in St. Paul. I repaid some of that debt by putting her up in D.C. when I lived here the first time. Together we have enjoyed countless dinners, wine, the Klituation dance party, and the highs and lows of our love lives and careers (we were together on election night 2004 AND 2016...). She is now the executive director of an amazing nonprofit called Gender Justice, and I need to get dressed now so I can pick her up from the Metro station. 💕

Update: Here she is, and we took a really nice fall walk today!